First I will start by admitting that I was wrong. People seem to think I do not admit when I am wrong, but I do, every time I am wrong I admit it. The problem is that I am not wrong very often so people don’t get to hear me admit it very often. Anyway.. I was wrong in thinking that hate would always last forever. Hate is an emotion created by anger. And while I am sure it is possible for a person to be angry forever in some situations, it is very hard.

So, for the people who I hated, for however long I hated them.. I’m over it. I’m not saying that I didn’t hate you, I’m just saying I don’t anymore. Things change. The problem with letting go of anger and allowing hate to fade is that it allows other emotions to be prominent again. And that sucks. Hate was a friend to me, it protected me from pain. And now that hate has faded, pain has crept back in.

The good news it that it is not unbearable pain, that type of pain that I just want to cut out with a knife. It does not overwhelm me, it just nags at me, tugs at me here and there a little at different times. It is an annoyance. I am sure that at some point it will fade. It always does. I am just not certain how long it will be, and that also.. sucks.

So anyway.. to close that topic, once again I admit that I was wrong. I will not obviously hate certain people that I thought I would forever. One of which I had already forgiven the other which I probably will someday because what happened was probably for the best even if the way it happened was messed up.

Now we change gears and approach a whole new topic. I am shallow. I am as one person put it ‘an ass hat’. I am not being sarcastic I am being honest. Many things are important in a romantic type of relationship. Compatibility in many areas are of varying importance (depending on the people involved and what they each value) including and in no particular order; likes and dislikes, religious beliefs, thoughts on raising of children, political viewpoints, financial security… and others.

Another thing that is important is physical attraction and sexual compatibility. If THIS was not important a lot of people would be romantically involved with their friends of the same sex (some are.. that is not my point.. my point is that most would be). I mean.. your friends are probably VERY compatible with you in a lot of those other areas. But, (unless you are gay) you are probably not physically attracted to them, and you most likely will not have sexual compatibility.

For some reason.. the fact that I am not attracted to larger women, makes me a shallow person. Listen (or read whatever).. I cannot control what I am or am not attracted to. It is what it is. I either find a person attractive physically or I do not. And while I do not find physical attraction of any importance in a friendship type relationship I find it VERY important in a romantic type relationship. It is not something that I can overlook. I like sex.. I am very good at it. But being a man, in order for me to partake, I must function properly. And in order to function properly I must be aroused. And in order to be aroused.. well.. I must find a person physically attractive.

Physical attraction IS NOT all that is needed for a romantic relationship, but for me it is NEEDED. Without it, I won’t function properly. So, am I shallow.. I guess, but I’m sorry I can’t control that. I don’t look down on a person for their weight. I don’t think less of a person if they are big. I just don’t find them physically attractive. So I guess that makes me a bad person.

And before anyone wants to get on me about not understanding the plights on overweight people, I’ll make sure you know you are wrong. Last year at this time I weighed 240 lbs. I was clinically obese (Yes.. at that weight and with my body fat percentage I was obese). And I knew that where I was was unhealthy. I also knew that I am not attracted to bigger women, so for me to be bigger myself was counterproductive. So I did something about it, because guess what?? Something can be done about it. It takes HARD WORK, but it can be done. I dropped 40 lbs in 3 months. I completely changed my body.

I still feel I have work to do, to get to where I want to be. And if a woman does not find me attractive because I don’t have a 6 pack yet, it’s not her fault, its MINE. Because I CAN do what it takes to get there. I can’t blame someone for not finding me attractive for something I can change. Because only I can change it. If a woman that I was attracted to were to say to me “Jay I think you would be very attractive, you just need to lose a little weight”, that would be excellent motivation and incentive.

It blows my mind that it is OK to not find someone attractive because they just don’t look the way you want them too.. Seriously.. listen women.. you know the SHORT guy isn’t as attractive as the tall guy. Or the guy who has the big ears looks goofy. Well those are things that a person CANT CHANGE. Yet I am shallow for not finding someone attractive for something a person CAN CHANGE? Really? Is that REALLY fair?

Whatever.. that’s me.. that’s my honesty. Don’t like me for it.. It’s your loss, because who I am or am not attracted to does not define me as a person. Anymore than what foods I like and dislike do. Get over it.

In the famous words of Stone Could Steve Austin… DTA. Stone Cold says Don’t Trust ANYONE. But that’s not how I want to go through my life. I have some people I trust to an extent. It’s a small handful of people, but I don’t really trust any of them completely, but that is just because nobody sees everything the same way I do. When someone has a variance in morals or beliefs in a certain area they are going to stick with what they believe. Which means that in some situations you can’t trust them. The only person you can completely and totally trust is yourself. But that is being nit-picky.

Anyway.. I had a point, so let me try to get to it.

I always used to go into a relationship not trusting the other person. I figure, if they want my trust they have to earn it. SHOW ME that you deserve to be trusted. It is the same thing that I do. I show a person that they can trust me, I EARN their trust.

But people were telling me that having that attitude was dooming my relationships before they even started. That I have to just trust a person, because not giving them the trust right away will just make the relationship fail.

So.. my dumb ass finally decided to just trust. So in my last relationship I trusted. From the start. And all the little things that should raise a giant RED FLAG I let go. I find out she works with a guy that she had a relationship with, they spend a large part of the day together in the same office. And what do I do? I trust her.

I leave my shampoo at her place and she has a fit about it. Red flags should be going off everywhere right? Why is it a big deal? I should have been thinking that she was afraid the other guy would see it and question it. But no.. i trust her when she tells me it is just because she has issues with thinking about moving in together (Like I was really going to move in with her where she was renting when I OWN my home).

People tell me that she is going to her other job and telling people that I am nothing to her. And that she still has feelings for the guy she worked with, and I actually question her about it. But when she tells me that those people are just telling lies and trying to cause problems between US. What do I do? I TRUST HER.

Guess what happened? She ended up with the guy she worked with again. Hmm.. go figure. I mean.. how many times was I getting sloppy seconds at night? Because of other people’s stupid views on trusting first? So I say.. f*ck that! I wasn’t with her long, but trusting her allowed me to let my guard down and fall DEEPLY in love with her. And, boy.. was that stupid. Because I went through a lot of pain for a LONG time when she left.

I will NEVER again trust first. You want me to trust you, you need to earn it. And I will earn your trust. And that is something I can do.. I’m pretty good at it. I just need to find someone else who is as good at it as I am.

Which brings me to the topic of Fidelity. What is being faithful? A lot of people seem to think that as long as you aren’t having intercourse with someone outside your relationship you are being faithful. To that I laugh. If you are one of those people, then.. good for you and i hope you get with someone who shares the same views. But don’t come near me.

There are other ways to be unfaithful. There is emotional infidelity. You become emotionally attached to another person outside of your relationship. Many times that leads to you actually “cheating” in a ‘moment of weakness’. Uhmm.. no. Sorry to break it to you but you were cheating as soon as you started having feelings for another person outside of your relationship. That’s how it all gets started.

Then there are those who do the ‘harmless flirting’. They try to pass it off as ‘just having fun’. Does anyone know the point of flirting? I’ll fill you in for those who are unsure. Flirting is a way of gauging someones interest in you without being rejected. If they show you they aren’t interested you can just pass it off as ‘messing around’ you weren’t being serious. It was just “All In Fun” (Oh how many times I heard that line..)

If you are in a relationship, and you are flirting with other people, YOU are being unfaithful. So don’t kid yourself. The next time you have the nerve to tell your next potential victim that you have ‘never cheated’ on anyone. Take a little self inventory, be honest with yourself. Were you really faithful in all your previous relationships? hmmm..

You see.. if you want a person to trust you in a relationship you need to make it clear to that person that they are the only one you want. And you do that by making sure everyone else knows you wont stand for any BS from them. If someone tries flirting with you it should be embarrassingly clear to that person they better not do it again. Screw that person and their feelings. The only feelings that matter are the ones of the person you are with towards you. A simple “You do that again and my boyfriend wont have to kick your ass because they will be surgically removing my foot out of it” should do.

You don’t need to take my advice or listen to what I say here… Feel free to not earn the trust of the person you are with. Just know that if you are being unfaithful, and the other person doesn’t care that you are.. that’s probably because they just don’t care at all. And if they are ‘jealous’ it is because they do care, and you are HURTING them. So don’t worry about what I say.. Unless.. You want to be with ME. If you want to be with me. And you want me to trust you, then you have to show me that I can trust you. If you don’t make it clear to me that you don’t do those things that are “All In Fun” Those things that make me jealous, or hurt me. That’s fine, but it also lets me know that I can’t let my walls down. So don’t get mad at me for being guarded.

I was asked to write a blog about whether it is better to be wanted or needed. So this is it. And I’ve been thinking about it for a few days, and when I get to thinking about something I break it down and analyze it from a bunch of different angles. Let me tell you.. this one is not cut and dry.

First off.. let me clear something up. People seem to associate NEED with having to have something in order to live. I did the same thing until I started pondering this blog, and now I realize that is simply to narrow sighted.

You can Need something in order to be happy. You can need something in order to succeed. You can need something in order to to be healthy. Sure you might not die without the ‘it’.. whatever it is, but you might need it in order to fulfil another goal in life.

I think all of us should know that the only thing to live for is happiness. That’s it, there is no other reason. People want to be happy. Extremely unhappy people lose the desire to live. There are also levels to happiness. The happier a person can be the better their life is.

Successes make people happy and failures take away from happiness. The more you succeed in things you value, the happier you will be. The more you fail the more happiness will be drained from you. That success can be in relationships, with a significant other, with multiple partners, or with your family. It all depends on who you are and what you value.

So back to the topic. Wanted or Needed? I think the simple answer is that it usually feels better to be wanted. If a person wants you then that means they actually have a conscious desire for you. For them, getting you is a success, it will make them happy. Of course.. if you don’t want them back, then it doesn’t mean much. So while it may be good to be ‘wanted’ it could be bad to be the person who is ‘wanting’ if it is not mutual. And being wanted by someone you don’t want in return can also be bad for you because it could make you feel bad that you are causing someone a failure in life, and making them unhappy.

Being needed on the other hand.. creates security. That person needs you, that means they are actually dependant on you for something. Without you they fail at something else they value in life, besides just the success of being with you. If they no longer have you, they fail at those things that you helped them to succeed with. This is one reason that a woman stressing her independence so much throws up a red flag for me. It says to me ‘I will never need you, I can do it all on my own.’ Well, a lack of need means a lack of security, and people (not just women) like to feel secure. Most people NEED security to be happy, insecurity is very uncomfortable.

If you know that a person needs you.. it allows you to trust that person a lot more than if they didn’t need you. ‘Want’ can fade very easily. ‘Need’ is not so easily replaced.

I think that the perfect relationship would be one in which both people WANT and NEED each other. If you have less than that from either side, then there is a problem. If one person only ‘wants’ and the other ‘wants and needs’, the one who ‘wants and needs’ gets hurt too much. If one person only ‘needs’ and the other ‘wants and needs’, then the one who ‘wants and needs’ feels neglected, because they are not feeling desired.

I guess that’s my take on it.. Others may disagree, and that’s ok. As long as you aren’t someone I want AND need

Merry Christmas (I love saying that even if it is going to be a strange Christmas this year!!),

Jay

You lured me in,
I needed you.
You gave me strength,
To make it through.

Shared my thoughts,
Shared my fears.
You held me close,
While I shed my tears.

Convinced me to fall,
With all of your lies.
But after betrayel,
Even true love dies.

Never forgot,
But did forgive.
Finally let go,
Had a life to live.

Was moving on,
Thought I had at last.
But hearing your voice,
Dug up the past.

Open old wounds,
Now it’s too late.
All other feelings,
Are covered by HATE.

I just want to get this out there to get a final closure on something.

I understand your reasoning for the things you did. I get that you weren’t in a great place in life when you did what you did to me. I’m not going to ever say that what you did wasn’t wrong, because it was wrong. It was very wrong, but I do understand that you did the things you did because you were in pain. I understand that you did the things you did because you were blinded by that pain and you were desperate for something better in life.

And I never said that I blamed you for making the final choice on us. I don’t blame you for THAT. I blamed you for letting it get to where it did before you made that decision. I blame you for me getting hurt as bad as I did. I know that you will NEVER understand how bad I hurt. You will never get that a person could go through SO MUCH pain after such a ‘short time’. Love isn’t about time. Two people could be together for 20 years and never love each other as much as two people who were together for a month. That is possible.

I still care about you, and I always will.. As I have said many times I still care about every woman I have been in love with, and whether or not you accept it I was very much in love with you, and I still care about you very much. But I am not in love with you anymore. Sure.. every now and then I think about us, and I have mixed emotions, but for the most part I’ve let go (yes I caught up to you it just took me a lot longer). And.. I forgave you. Even though I had no way of telling you that I forgave you, I did. Forgiveness isn’t telling someone what they did was ok, it is just letting go of the anger and resentment towards them for it.

I never used to understand forgiveness, but I do now.. I fully understand it. I understand that in order to move on you have to forgive. Maybe you should try it. And trust me, it’s not easy to do, but it can be done. And once you do it, you will feel a weight lifted off of you. Just forgive, and move on with your life.

That was the point of this, I want you to know that I do forgive you. Well, for every thing except for ruining ‘The Notebook’ for me.. I haven’t figured out how to forgive you for that yet. Someday I will.. maybe.

I once told you that if you ever needed anything I would be there for you. I meant it. If that never happens, if you never do need me, then I wish you and your little man all the best this world has to offer. Hopefully you can find everything you are looking for.

Take Care

I don’t usually watch chick flicks. I’m an action adventure, suspense thriller, sci-fi, or even drama (coach carter, remember the titans) type of guy. Those are what I watch. Independence Day, Armageddon, The Matrix, Die Hard, Indiana Jones, Batman, Sixth Sense, Gladiator, Saw, James Bond, Oceans Eleven, Bourne movies, Pirates of the Caribbean… You get the idea right?

But it seems like the few times I have met someone and I really start to fall for them I watch a chick-flick with them early in the relationship, and I actually enjoy it. With my ex-wife it was Titanic. Say what you want.. that’s a chick flick. But even though Leonardo Dicaprio is a bad actor and watching him made me sick, the rest of the movie was actually pretty darn good. In a way I always felt that was ‘our movie’. How fitting the end of that movie.. Guy freezing to death- while the girl sleeps.

Which brings me to the best ‘chick flick’ I have ever seen. The Notebook. I was talked into watching this movie by the girl that I consider my last girlfriend. I’m sure she doesn’t even put a title like that on me, because I was just the guy she used to get the guy she really wanted to confess his love to her. But even though I was tricked by her.. It WAS real for me.

The point is, this is an excellent movie. If you haven’t seen it, you need to go watch it tonight. BUT… the movie has basically been ruined for me. I watched it with her. So if I watch it again, I will think of her. I will think of how bad you get burned when you trust someone. I will think of how there are people who can make you believe they care about you when all they plan on doing is using you.
Yes, I know that life isn’t fair, trust me.. I know. But with everything that happened between her and I, with all that I learned about and knowing how I meant nothing and I was just a pawn… the thing that I will never forgive her for, is ruining The Notebook for me. It’s not fair.

You could have left it for someone who actually cared.

There is a time I’m with you,
As unbelievable as that seems.
I can not feel your touch,
But I hold you – in my dreams.

Fate separates us,
We are miles apart.
But nothing in this world,
Keeps you from my heart.

This is how I feel,
I know you feel the same.
Whenever I need a smile,
I just whisper your name.

When two hearts collide,
Anything can be.
All that I want,
Is you… Close To Me.

We’ve all wanted something in our lives that it seemed we couldn’t have.  But then something happens and you actually get what you wanted.  One of two things usually happens in a case like that.

1) You get what you wanted and then you find out that you don’t really like it as much as you think you would have.  And you think how silly it was for you to have wanted it so bad in the first place.

2) You get what you wanted and you really like it, and now you aren’t satisfied because you want more. (Either something better or more of the same thing if it is something that is temporary or consumed)

When I was little I wanted a cat.  I wanted and wanted and wanted a cat.. and when I finally got a cat, I realized I didn’t really like cats so much (Cats didn’t like me either).  Another time I wanted a robot.  I got that robot, and right afterword a much better robot came out, and I wanted it instead.  Another time I wanted a certain video game console and video game, and the game was so much fun that I wanted more games.

It goes on and on.. Kids eat cookies and love them and want MORE.  You drive fast in your car and enjoy the rush so you do it more often or even faster next time, Maybe you even go out and buy a faster car because the old one wasn’t cutting it.  Whatever those things are for each person.. thats’s always the way it goes.

That’s life, people want to people happy, and we want things that we think will make us happy, if they make us happy then we want more of it.  Or sometimes we find out we were wrong and what we thought would make us happy didn’t.

Well, I’ve wanted something for a while.. and I never thought I could have it.  I finally got it.. and it made me happy, and I want more.  I like it when I think something will make me happy and I get it and I was right, but what I don’t like is when I find that out and then I can’t get more.  Thats the catch.  Sometimes you get what you wanted and you find out it really makes you as happy as you thought it might, but then… You can’t have anymore.

What do you do if that happens?  Whats the answer?  Were you better off not ever knowing how good it would have been to get that thing you wanted that you thought you might never get?  Or is it better to have at least experienced it once even if you never can again.. and you are just left wanting more?  I’m not sure what the answer to that question is.  I think I would have to go with the former, that it is better to have at least experienced it.  Because that is what life is about.. experiences.

Not a very good blog this time around, but I just felt the need to write about what is on my mind.  I find it helps, so I do it.

I have this blog I need to write on ‘Karma’ but I keep putting it off, and I am going to put it off again because I need to write this one about second chances.  Second chances are one of the best things in the world.

Most things deserve a second chance.  The child who loses their parents deserves a second chance to have parents.  The dog that was no longer wanted and was taken to the pound deserves a second chance.  Caviar deserves a second chance, so do olives, brussel sprouts, shrimp, lobster, and yes… even seaweed.  Maybe even that one pair of pants you bought that just didn’t feel right the first time you wore them deserve a second chance.

Some things don’t deserve a second chance;  Sticking your finger in a socket to see if it feels good, the Ford Pinto, 30,000 B.C., The Macarena, The Mullet, John Kerry, Windows Vista, anyone who intentionally took the life of a living child or has done other horrible things to children, and…… O.J. Simpson.

I’m sure we can all think of more things that don’t deserve second chances, but the point here is that most things do.  Second chances are a good thing, they can be a great thing, and in most situations you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.  Who knows maybe 5 years later you find out you actually really love the taste of asparagus, if you don’t… so what?  You lose nothing… but if you do, you just added a great vegetable that is full of nutrients and the more of it you eat, the more weight you lose (yep that’s a fact).

But, that’s where the line usually needs to be drawn, at the SECOND chance.  If the second chance failed, then it’s time to give it up, let it go and move on to something else.  Of course as always there are exceptions.  Attempts at breaking bad habits deserve as many chances as you can stand giving them.  Your children deserve as many chances as they need, but hopefully you are helping them learn from their mistakes each time.  G-Dub  Bush deser…..              … no I’m kidding   You get the point though right?

The point is that great things come from second chances…  Like the kid who at 16 was drinking and driving and killed a person in an accident while he was drunk driving.  After serving 7 years in juvenile detention and prison he was paroled.  He got his high school diploma, went to college, and became an ER doctor and saved 100′s of lives, but that is not the point because if he was not there some other doctor would be.

The thing that happened was that he was driving down a back country road in the winter in the snow on his way to visit his family for Christmas and came across a wrecked car.  In the car was a family.  The father who was driving was DOA, the mother and the three children were all alive but were in critical condition.  The doctor called 911 but it was 25 minutes before rescue services and ambulances showed up at the scene.  During that 25 minutes the doctor did his best to keep the mother and 3 children alive.  One of the children died at the scene, and the mother died on the way to the hospital.  But two of the children lived.  Those two children probably would have bled or froze to death had that ‘murderer’ not been driving down that road that night.  Even if someone else had happened to be driving down the road they most likely would not have been a doctor and been able to do what needed to be done to save those lives.

‘OK, so what’ you say… ‘Coincidence’.  I agree, it was coincidence, it wasn’t fate or any silly thing like that, BUT those children’s lives WERE saved because someone was given a second chance whether it is coincidence or fate or whatever.  I don’t know if I could forgive someone for killing someone I loved in that manner, or if I could be human enough to want to allow them a second chance, but whether or not I could doesn’t matter.  What matters is that if it was me in that car accident and it was my children who might have froze (one of the worst possible ways to die) or bled to death in that car, I sure would be glad that guy got a second chance if he saved my kids.

On the flip side, you could say “what if that guy got out went and got drunk and drove again and killed someone else”.  Well, that could happen it is possible.  But that’s why the person only gets a SECOND chance.  That means the first time they are caught drinking and driving again, they go back to prison for life, the end no questions asked.

If you do something THAT STUPID once you might get away with calling it a stupid mistake.  If you do it twice, then your decision making is flawed, and you don’t deserve any more chances.  Now remember when I started out I said that some things don’t deserve second chances, and that’s true.  There is no point in giving something a second chance if it is blatantly obvious that a second chance will just result in disaster again.  But if there is a decent chance the second chance will turn out good… you have to give it a shot, especially if there isn’t really anything to lose (no lives at stake.. etc).

But, third chances are for fools…

Now I just wrote this, and I know if I read it and was in the mood to be argumentative I could argue points in this blog and tear holes through it.  Pay Attention: This blog is not about an exact science, nor is it completely literal.  It is meant to make an underlying point.  If you can’t grasp that, then do me a favor and forget you read this and just wait for the next one.  If you can grasp it, then think about giving out that second chance, but don’t be foolish enough to give or ask for a third one.

Have a great Halloween everyone!