First I will start by admitting that I was wrong. People seem to think I do not admit when I am wrong, but I do, every time I am wrong I admit it. The problem is that I am not wrong very often so people don’t get to hear me admit it very often. Anyway.. I was wrong in thinking that hate would always last forever. Hate is an emotion created by anger. And while I am sure it is possible for a person to be angry forever in some situations, it is very hard.

So, for the people who I hated, for however long I hated them.. I’m over it. I’m not saying that I didn’t hate you, I’m just saying I don’t anymore. Things change. The problem with letting go of anger and allowing hate to fade is that it allows other emotions to be prominent again. And that sucks. Hate was a friend to me, it protected me from pain. And now that hate has faded, pain has crept back in.

The good news it that it is not unbearable pain, that type of pain that I just want to cut out with a knife. It does not overwhelm me, it just nags at me, tugs at me here and there a little at different times. It is an annoyance. I am sure that at some point it will fade. It always does. I am just not certain how long it will be, and that also.. sucks.

So anyway.. to close that topic, once again I admit that I was wrong. I will not obviously hate certain people that I thought I would forever. One of which I had already forgiven the other which I probably will someday because what happened was probably for the best even if the way it happened was messed up.

Now we change gears and approach a whole new topic. I am shallow. I am as one person put it ‘an ass hat’. I am not being sarcastic I am being honest. Many things are important in a romantic type of relationship. Compatibility in many areas are of varying importance (depending on the people involved and what they each value) including and in no particular order; likes and dislikes, religious beliefs, thoughts on raising of children, political viewpoints, financial security… and others.

Another thing that is important is physical attraction and sexual compatibility. If THIS was not important a lot of people would be romantically involved with their friends of the same sex (some are.. that is not my point.. my point is that most would be). I mean.. your friends are probably VERY compatible with you in a lot of those other areas. But, (unless you are gay) you are probably not physically attracted to them, and you most likely will not have sexual compatibility.

For some reason.. the fact that I am not attracted to larger women, makes me a shallow person. Listen (or read whatever).. I cannot control what I am or am not attracted to. It is what it is. I either find a person attractive physically or I do not. And while I do not find physical attraction of any importance in a friendship type relationship I find it VERY important in a romantic type relationship. It is not something that I can overlook. I like sex.. I am very good at it. But being a man, in order for me to partake, I must function properly. And in order to function properly I must be aroused. And in order to be aroused.. well.. I must find a person physically attractive.

Physical attraction IS NOT all that is needed for a romantic relationship, but for me it is NEEDED. Without it, I won’t function properly. So, am I shallow.. I guess, but I’m sorry I can’t control that. I don’t look down on a person for their weight. I don’t think less of a person if they are big. I just don’t find them physically attractive. So I guess that makes me a bad person.

And before anyone wants to get on me about not understanding the plights on overweight people, I’ll make sure you know you are wrong. Last year at this time I weighed 240 lbs. I was clinically obese (Yes.. at that weight and with my body fat percentage I was obese). And I knew that where I was was unhealthy. I also knew that I am not attracted to bigger women, so for me to be bigger myself was counterproductive. So I did something about it, because guess what?? Something can be done about it. It takes HARD WORK, but it can be done. I dropped 40 lbs in 3 months. I completely changed my body.

I still feel I have work to do, to get to where I want to be. And if a woman does not find me attractive because I don’t have a 6 pack yet, it’s not her fault, its MINE. Because I CAN do what it takes to get there. I can’t blame someone for not finding me attractive for something I can change. Because only I can change it. If a woman that I was attracted to were to say to me “Jay I think you would be very attractive, you just need to lose a little weight”, that would be excellent motivation and incentive.

It blows my mind that it is OK to not find someone attractive because they just don’t look the way you want them too.. Seriously.. listen women.. you know the SHORT guy isn’t as attractive as the tall guy. Or the guy who has the big ears looks goofy. Well those are things that a person CANT CHANGE. Yet I am shallow for not finding someone attractive for something a person CAN CHANGE? Really? Is that REALLY fair?

Whatever.. that’s me.. that’s my honesty. Don’t like me for it.. It’s your loss, because who I am or am not attracted to does not define me as a person. Anymore than what foods I like and dislike do. Get over it.